October 24, 57 AD
Disgruntled Conservatives Are to Blame (Of Course)
A schism threatens the peace of the new “Christian” faith, according to sources speaking to the Times.
“This split is entirely unnecessary,” said Christian philosopher Antonius Campolius, reputed intellectual and really good speaker. “We can live together while disagreeing over details of our faith.”
Some churches have adopted a policy referred to a WAG: “Welcoming and Affirming to Gnostics.” Gnosticism is a very minor variation from the “old way” championed by such arch-conservatives as Peter and Paul.
Peter, whose real name is Simon, is an uneducated Galilean fisherman turned stump preacher. He has been known to clash with Paul, which is also an assumed name. He was born Saul of Tarsus, received a theologian education in
Medlius Rex, a gentle soul, and church leader, asked of all, “Can’t we just get along?” Rex, who himself is not a Gnostic, says that to split over Gnostism would be a tragedy. “It would also be a violation of our polity,” added Rex. “We believe is Soul Freedom. And Dialogue. And the United
Paul, currently protective Roman custody, wasn’t immediately available for comment. But Peter, when reached for comment, said. “We must obey God and not men.”
Campolius was not impressed. “Look, I’ve know Pete for years, and I really like him, but he’s been using that same old tired line for years.
“He just has to come to grips with the fact that not all Christians believe things the same, and that we have to give each other a little grace. I mean, some of us believe that Jesus didn’t have a real body, or in demiurges, you know, things that I personally don’t believe in, but it’s not my place to be judge my fellow believers.”
Rex announced that he will be visiting among of what he called the “Petrine Churches” to explain that no matter what Peter and Paul say, no matter the massive difference in values, no matter the vast gulf in theology, they are still one big happy family.
Any resemblance to current events are purely intentional.